Peter Parker: A Superhero, but Also a Teen, Just Like You!

Behold, true believers! The Amazing Spider-Man!

By night, he’s a crime-fighting superhero on the streets of New York. But by day he’s Peter Parker, a regular teen, just like you!

As Spider-Man, he saves Mary Jane, the girl next door, from the Green Goblin. But, as Peter Parker, he’s like any other gentle-eyed teen-age boy, with the other guys at school telling him he’s a fugly dork, like, ten to twelve times a week. He may rescue innocents from the many-armed clutches of the devious Dr. Octopus, but can he pass his scoliosis exam, or is he stuck with scoliosis?

The hero in Peter Parker hides his costumed crusading from Aunt May, while the teen-ager in Peter Parker hides the smell of the cigarettes that he smokes in his room with Jason by stuffing a towel under the door.

Yes, young Peter adopted the mask of Spider-Man to protect the ones he loves, and he made a Facebook profile under a fake name because Aunt May told him that the Internet was just for kidnapping children.

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Face front, true believers! By night our hero does vicious battle with the villainous Venom, and also by night he’s getting a hand job that by day somehow everyone already knows about?

Spider-Man may swing past skyscrapers with superhuman agility and speed, but Aunt May will still insist on driving him to and from the movies at 3 P.M. on a Sunday. He’s the legendary wall-crawler who also pronounced “corps” as “corpse” in English class—and everyone snickered, even though he was ninety per cent sure he had heard other people pronounce it that way, too. Like, eighty-five per cent sure.

And, though the Daily Bugle paints Spider-Man as a menace to the city, he’s throwing up after pounding three cups of white rum and Sprite at Todd DeDario’s birthday, even though Peter’s on the improv team that does skits at school assemblies about the dangers of binge drinking.

This is the life of your friendly neighborhood vigilante. His Spidey sense will tingle to warn him of danger but it cannot warn him that he will be constantly sad and horny.

In the meantime, true believers, he’ll perform daring acts of heroism while also performing daring acts of admitting to his primary-care physician that he hasn’t really grown pubes yet. For with great power comes great responsibility. And with great fluctuations in your hormones come unexpected boners. At inconvenient times. In gym shorts. Excelsior!