Frequently Asked Questions: My Engagement

How’d he pop the question?

First of all, your assumption that Peter is the one who proposed is both appreciated and correct! As for the proposal: it was the most intimate moment of my life, which I’d be thrilled to tell you all about in detail. If you’re on Instagram, you can also watch the video, which was filmed in high definition by a small fleet of drones. It’s a crisp four hours of three-hundred-and-sixty-degree romance!

Were you surprised?!

Oh, my gosh, yes. Totally blindsided. I make it a point never to discuss the future, or really even my desires in general, with the person I’m dating. One day, I just started moving my stuff into Peter’s apartment, little by little—clothes, books, golden retriever—all while hoping he wouldn’t notice. And he never did! Isn’t it funny how everything just falls into place when you meet the one?

Let me see the ring!!!

Would you mind if I put this paper bag over my head first? I’ve found it really helps people focus on the rock so that they can quietly compare it to their own—or (if they’re single) derive some satisfaction from the discovery that I have fat fingers.

What’s your new name going to be?

It’s pronounced “Peter’s Wife,” or “Ma’am” for short.

I know you just got engaged yesterday, but do you have a date set for the wedding?

I’ve been planning this wedding since kindergarten, when I would regularly use show-and-tell as an opportunity to flaunt my skills in hand-stencilling place cards and assembling tasteful peony arrangements. Your save-the-date is already in the mail.

Are you going to do one of those wedding boot camps to get your body nuptial-ready?

Absolutely. Although I want to look like myself on my wedding day, I want to look like a version of myself that deserves to get married. I can’t even imagine how mortifying it would be to get married in my regular, everyday body.

Is Peter going to help with the planning?

Believe it or not, Peter’s actually been a huge help so far. He’s gone above and beyond when I’ve had questions for him, like, “Are you available to marry me on August 21st?” and “Did you want the fish or the steak?” I just hope I’m not being too much of a nuisance!

What can I get you for a gift?

Honestly, Peter and I have been living together for four years. We’re both in our mid-thirties and have previously inhabited six apartments each, which we fully furnished ourselves. That said, we put together a modest Bed Bath & Beyond registry with two hundred and thirty-one items—just a few marital necessities, like fifteen slightly different serving spoons with fifteen slightly different spoon rests. Though we may not be able to make use of these things right now, we know we’ll be grateful to have them in the future, once we move into a bigger place and can finally host our first Spoonapalooza.

So, how does it feel?!

Like most women, I’ve gone through life feeling content but somehow incomplete. It’s like there was always a piece missing, and I didn’t know at the time that this piece was shaped like a one-point-five-carat princess-cut diamond. Now I finally feel whole.

Are there kids on the horizon?

Oh, yes. Once Peter and I are married, unprotected sex will be our top priority! For more information on that, please refer to “Frequently Asked Questions: My Uterus.”