People Boris Johnson Resembles

Every time I see a picture of Boris Johnson, the U.K.’s new Prime Minister, I find myself thinking, Who does this guy remind me of, exactly? What follows is an attempt to answer that question.

• A nineteen-nineties pro golfer turned high-blood-pressure-medication pitchman

• The music teacher at a Brooklyn Heights preschool who played bass in a glam band in the seventies and shouts “Hello, Milwaukee!” when he stumbles late into a classroom full of waiting four-year-olds

• A bit actor who bungles his one line (“Splendid luncheon, just splendid, old chap!”) in a BBC adaptation of Evelyn Waugh’s “Vile Bodies”

• The obviously drunk lead in a regional dinner-theatre production of “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”

• Midas, two seconds after he realizes that maybe the turning-everything-into-gold thing wasn’t the greatest idea

• One of those large, lumpy heads of garlic with a bunch of surprisingly tough sprouts growing out of the top

• A past-his-prime Olympic athlete who does a regrettable gag guest spot in a skirt and lipstick on a crude eighties sitcom

• Big Anthony from “Strega Nona”

• The “Scream” mask, wearing a blond wig

• A boy in a Swedish children’s book who falls from a tree and rips his pants while stealing lingonberries from the garden of his neighbor, Mrs. Alva Karlsson, plus sixty years

• A creepy, hard-to-shake street mime who follows unsuspecting tourists and copies their walks and gestures

• The star of a heartwarming Dutch indie film about a retired civil servant who gets a new lease on life when he decides to build a hot-air balloon in his back yard

• That one friend who hopelessly clogs the single toilet in your twelve-person house-share in Santorini

• The expat British plumber who moved to Greece in 1985 because of tax troubles and pretends to have fixed the toilet while somehow managing to clog it even further