Your Period-Tracking App: F.A.Q.

Welcome to Bleedr! We’re an innovative app that helps ease the burden of your period with cutting-edge technology and custom features you won’t find anywhere else. Below are the answers to some questions we get from a lot of new users and their lawyers. Enjoy!

Sometimes the app says it’s “synching,” and I feel funny. What is it synching to?

Bleedr is the only period-tracking app that automatically synchs to your reproductive organs. But don’t worry, synching only becomes progressively more painful over time, just like being a woman.

When I opened the app, I checked a box to “accept cookies.” What does this mean, exactly?

An actual box of cookies will literally be delivered to your front door in the next hour. They will be packaged in sleeves, which are best consumed in pairs.

Registering my account required me to provide contact information for my spouse. Why?

Here at Bleedr, we go the extra mile to give your loved ones a little digital heads-up when shit’s about to go down. A complimentary text prompts spouses to respond “EJECT,” at which point Bleedr will automatically book a week of lodging for your partner at least five miles from your home.

Bleedr also asked for access to my full contact list. Why?

During the first few days of your period, Bleedr will send a handful of weird and vague preloaded texts to some of your contacts. Lucky recipients might include your parents, siblings, best friend, or work colleagues. We’ll save you hours of miscommunication that you can instead spend curled into a ball!

Is there a reason Bleedr asks for PDFs of the menus at my local restaurants?

During the peak days of your period, Bleedr will have large orders of heavy food delivered to you at random times, day and night. This food will provide you with the overfull feeling you crave, without you having to wait for dining companions to make up their minds while you actually start crying right now. The food orders will seem excessively large, but it’s important to eat the meal by yourself while watching a show about murder.

Why does Bleedr require access to my Facebook account?

Aside from Mark Zuckerberg legally forcing our hand on this one, the benefit of giving Bleedr access to your Facebook account is that, at 2 A.M., we can like photos that your ex posted more than ten years ago while you have menstrual nightmares about the house you grew up in burning down.

Why was there a field requiring my measurements?

Here at Bleedr, we strive to experience P.M.S. for you. Part of that means ordering clothes that are outside your price range from outlets that do not make clothes for your body type, while temporarily extending the false hope that these clothes will magically look good on you and that you’ll suddenly be transformed into someone who participates in “festival season” (whatever that is).

Are the clothes returnable?

Usually yes, but you’re going to bleed on them, so, no.

Is there a reason the app redirects to the Web site of my local animal shelter after ten minutes?

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Yes! We thought you’d want to peruse some of the cats now available for adoption. A few of them only have one eye.

But I’m allergic to cats.

There are dogs, too. They’re all a hundred-per-cent homeless, and sketchy around the kids your body is punishing you for not having.

I can’t find an option to disable the feature that recites Sylvia Plath in a foreboding voice as I’m trying to fall asleep. Is there a way to make this stop?

Although there’s no way to turn off the recitation completely, there is an option to change the content to Virginia Woolf or Cormac McCarthy, which are read in different, equally foreboding voices.