Achievable Ways to Feel Accomplished

Organize your books by color before complaining that you don’t have time to read.

Listen to the last three minutes of the eight podcasts you had almost-but-not-quite completed.

Drink a sip of water at any point during the day—self-care is essential.

Water your plants, and then watch the water leak out while thinking about how you’d be a great mom.

Rearrange furniture (not just yours, anyone’s).

Delete all of your spam e-mails as soon as you wake up and unsubscribe from every self-help-blog newsletter. You already know what you’re doing!

Make a mental note to book “appointments” but don’t specify which ones.

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Write down all the Wi-Fi passwords of every network you’ve ever connected to, just in the off chance you ever return to that same Starbucks in Istanbul.

Charge every electronic device to exactly one hundred per cent, but check constantly to make sure that you stop charging at one hundred per cent, so you don’t kill the battery.

Read that phone addiction kills. Download fourteen new apps to help you use your phone less.

Make your career your top priority. Pitch a half-written essay to several editors you know will never respond. Claim that you’re waiting for feedback on said essay before writing anything new.

Take care of your home by fluffing your pillow, or, if you remember to do it only after you’ve left the apartment, fluff any stray cat you find on the street. Animal rights matter.

Work on nurturing your friendships. Comment “YASSSSS” on your six closest friends’ Instagram stories. You missed two of their weddings.

Make an effort to conserve by bringing a reusable water bottle around with you, then go through six to seven plastic Solo cups at your friend’s houseparty.

Be a good person. Donate twenty dollars to a charity. Spend the rest of the day wondering if you could have spent that money on something useful, like vitamins or those cute earrings.

Foster healthy habits by telling other people to stop eating sugar.

Lie on your floor and wonder what we’re all doing here. Introspection is the most difficult task of all. (It’s true, you learned that from the end of one of your podcasts.)

Finish that half-eaten bag of spicy Cheetos you found on the floor.