Cewsh Reviews – JCW Bloodymania 7

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only reviews that are less relevant than whatever Dixie Carter is doing, Cewsh Reviews! Now, you’ll have to excuse me, boys and girls, because it has been a good long while since I did one of these and i’m trying to remember how they work. Looking back through the archives, it appears that I used to pick a wrestling show, post lots of gifs of it, and then make fun of people for what they were wearing. I think I can handle something along those lines today.

But I haven’t made my dramatic return to reviewing for just any occasion. Oh no. You see, I made a promise to the young, disenfranchised youth of America around a year ago, that they could pick which show I reviewed next. Naturally, one thing led to another and I pretty much fell off the planet completely, but I never forgot about my solemn vow to honor the request made by the fans who have followed us through years of good shows and bad. So it is with a proud heart and a tear in my eye that I commit myself now to the show that you chose for me. The show that you thought would encapsulate all that you love about Cewsh Reviews, professional wrestling and the world itself. A window into your very fandom.

So what show did you choose?

Juggalo Championship Wrestling Proudly Presents…

JCW Bloodymania 7

Yeah, that’s right. You chose Juggalos. Of course you did.

Segment 1 – INTRODUCTION!

Now, this may be the first exposure to the Juggalo universe for many of you. If that is the case, I need you to understand right from the start that these are crazy people. The Insane Clown Posse are, as far as I can tell, reasonably intelligent, likable guys who happen to be very gifted at branding and marketing themselves. But every single other person involved in the Juggalo lifestyle is so goddamned insane that if you could power a ship with pure pent up weirdness, a single Juggalo would have enough to send it to Saturn. Just reading the Wikipedia article for this company gives you an idea of how strange this whole wrestling promotion is. Here’s an excerpt that was absolutely NOT written by a guy named Bruce Wirt:

“1wrestling Radio host Bruce Wirt calls Juggalo Championship Wrestling a “modern day [and] better version of ECW” because of their fan base, wrestling styles, and original stories. Co-founders Joseph Bruce and Joseph Utsler themselves refer to Extreme Championship Wrestling as the major influence on the company’s style as well as their unique camera angles, which they compare to that of the movie Natural Born Killers; “fading in and out, and turning all over.”

Bruce Wirt praises the company as an alternative to WWE and Total Nonstop Action Wrestling due to its unique characteristics. Juggalo Championship Wrestling features a live musical performance at each wrestling event, leading Wirt to compare the combination to that of WWE’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling Connection. Shaggy 2 Dope and Kevin Gill provide commentary, which has been described as sometimes politically incorrect and “sidesplittingly funny.”

Can’t argue with that.

This is what we’ll be dealing with for the next 3 hours. So when I tell you, for example, that The Boogeyman is in the main event of this show, or that the show begins by showing you a comprehensive set of highlights of THE SHOW YOU’RE ABOUT TO WATCH RIGHT NOW, you can have a clear understanding of what you’re dealing with. Vince Russo’s Jesus promotion was less crazy than these people, and their championship was a fucking broadsword.

Note: Since this review is the direct result of a reader poll we did asking people what promotion they wanted to see us review next. It should go without saying that I hope every single one of you gets an ass full of crooked Legos.

Segment 2 – This Guy.

Cewsh: He is the host and play by play announcer for this promotion. I just thought you should know that.

Segment 3 – Richie Boy Bryer Wellington vs. Rikishi

Cewsh: I’m not going to focus on the commentary too much in this review because I get the feeling that if I get started down that dark and troubling road I will never come back. Just know that the first wrestler of the night hadn’t even made it into the ring yet before a discussion about the proper context for viewing baby penises tattooed itself across my eardrums so it could dwell inside me forevermore.

Now onto the match. Bryer Wellington is such a generic slobby dickhead heel that you can just go ahead and mentally insert any number of indy heels in his place and nothing would change. Here he’s going up against Rikishi, a man whose most iconic moment in professional wrestling was, well, this:

This Belongs In The Smithsonian.

Ordinarily when you see guys who were fixtures of the Attitude Era, and who have 30 years of wrestling experience to their name, you can expect them to either be working for WWE, or to be broken down shells of themselves, especially if they’re bigger guys like Rikishi is. But i’m genuinely glad to report that the big guy is actually looking pretty good here as he walks to the ring, and is a helluva lot more spry than a man his size and age has any right to be. He even starts things off by doing his sons’ catchphrase with the crowd, (“When I say US, Ya’ll say O.”) which I thought was kind of adorable. Considering that the last time I reviewed one of these shows it began with a drunken pirate ghost pretending to be Greg Valentine, we’re already doing pretty well.

Then the match starts and it is shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Its everything you would be afraid that it could be. Rikishi is half assing it so, so powerfully that we get long stretches where nothing seems to happen whatsoever. Watch this and be thrilled as Rikishi slowly prepares for a Banzai Drop, Wellington scoots several inches, and Rikishi takes 30 seconds to respond to this change of affairs.

A few short minutes later, (filled with nothing but karate chops and Rikishi slowly ambling from place to place,) and a clothesline in the corner sets Wellington up for the dreaded Stink Face. Now, I assume that you’re very familiar with the Stink Face. You’ve probably seen it a million times. But have you seen it done with Rikishi being completely bare assed, shoving his sweaty ass crack into a man’s eye socket? No? WELL CONGRATULATIONS, HERE YOU GO!

One Banzai Squat later and Bryer Wellington is done for. And so we begin this night with hope, disappointment, and a sweaty ass crack the size of Neptune. Such is life.

21 out of 100

Rikishi Over Bryer Wellington Following The Sitting Banzai Drop.

Segment 4 – The Haters vs. The Young Bucks

Cewsh: The Haters are a tag team billed as being from “The Asshole of the World” who come out to music that begins with a demonic voice saying “Fuck Juggalos.” So while I’m not really up on all of the goings on in this promotion, I feel pretty comfortable saying that they are heels. They wear masks featuring devil’s horns that are so shoddily made and floppy, that they look like they have two of the most STD ridden penises in the world attached to the back of their heads.

Couple Of Hatahs.

They seem nice.

Their opponents here are the Young Bucks, who these days make their living as the best tag team on the planet. They hadn’t yet reached that point by the time this show had taken place, but they were still a supremely talented and entertaining team, that nevertheless are a couple of superkicky pretty boys who probably aren’t the ideal babyfaces for an all-Juggalo audience.

This brings me to something that has always confused me about these shows. The crowds attending these shows are pretty damn big for an indy show, and Juggalos are nothing if not loyal and boisterous, and yet the crowd never seems to respond to any of the matches no matter what is going on. Is this because they’re holding these shows outside? Because having your entire audience on drugs isn’t a great idea? Because every match features at least one person that you can’t help but feel sorry for? Hard to say.

As it happens, this is not a good match. I don’t know if the ring is wonky or if they’re just mailing it in, but i’ve never seen the Young Bucks move this sluggishly and The Haters are about as fun a combination as getting kicked in balls and getting kicked in the balls a second time. Ultimately the Haters win with a powerbomb that happens off screen, and proudly present their guts and crooked red cocks to the crowd in honor of this great victory.

Hehe. They have penis hats.

48 out of 100

The Haters Over The Young Bucks Following A Powerbomb.

Segment 5 – Island of Death Falls Count Anywhere No Rope Lumberjack Match – Necro Butcher vs. Rude Boy

Cewsh: Rule of thumb. If it takes a full line just to name the gimmick of the match, it’s probably not going to be a good match. As mentioned in the title, this match features no ropes, and a whole bunch of random dudes standing around the ring looking like models for Generic Gear R’Us.

The match also features Necro Butcher, who has starred in several of the most soul torturing shows that we have ever reviewed. In previous installments of Cewsh Reviews he has wrestled in something called a Caribbean Spider Web Death Match, humped Roderick Strong’s head against a guard rail, and wrestled as part of a gigantic tag match in ROH that even he seemed confused to be a part of. But here in the magical land where you can buy weed with Faygo, Necro Butcher should truly be at the height of his powers.

His opponent is named Rude Boy, which I assume is self explanatory.

This is how this match begins. Rude Boy rumbles to the ring, picks up a chair, and then he and Necro Butcher engage in a duel for the ages.

Please Listen To This Song While You Look At This Gif

Rude Boy eventually gets knocked out the ring, and the lumberjacks start lazily punching at him, only to see Necro Butcher jump out of the ring and help Rude Boy beat all of their asses at the same time. In the first minute of this lumberjack match, Rude Boy and Necro Butcher have already beaten up all of the lumberjacks, making this the first time I have ever seen a lumberjack match where the lumberjacks did the job. Every so often, one of the ‘jacks will charge at Necro Butcher so he can backhand them dismissively in the face and go back to what he was doing. The beating is so one sided and vicious, that the heroic ‘jacks don’t even bother to finish their attacks half the time before running away.

“Nah. Better Not.”

The remainder of this match involves a massive struggle over a set of children’s play scissors. They use it to gouge, cut, stab, slice, and, in one entertaining moment, accessorize. Things are looking grim for Rude Boy, until he grabs Necro by his ceremonial party necklace and tosses him off the ring apron onto a mangled chair, for one of those bumps that nobody but Necro Butcher would ever take.

OOF.

Rude Boy rolls him back into the ring, hits him with two actual wrestling moves, and wins. If winning is what you want to call it.

That’s The Bloody Nipple Of A Champion

There was a time when people would watch Necro Butcher matches and have long and loud debates over whether he was a sloppy shit peddler with no skill and less sense, or an avant garde genius, whose commitment to his character put all others to shame. Which is the truth? We may never know.

Except that we do. We really, really do.

11 out of 100

Rude Boy Over Necro Butcher Following The Slowest Elbow Drop In Human History.

Segment 6 – The Commissioner Speaks.

Cewsh: For our next segment, we are joined by the commissioner of JCW, and a member of ICP, Violent J. He is played to the ring to his own song, which he starts rapping along to, only for the music to cut out so we see that he was just muttering gibberish into the mic instead of actually rapping along. That would be embarrassing if anyone in attendance was sober enough to notice.

Violent J is feeling very sentimental tonight, and talks about how JCW is the great passion of his life and has been around in some form since 1995, which is genuinely very impressive. He then calls to the ring the only member of the JCW hall of fame, an individual named Evil Dead. Evil Dead’s three primary characteristics are that he is evil, he is dead, and he is sloooooooooooow. His entrance lasts 4 full minutes, and most of that is because he stops every few steps to fall down and die again.

After cracking some jokes at Evil Dead’s expense, Violent J announces that there will be two new inductions into the JCW Hall of Fame. I paused it for a bit so I could think about who might qualify for this. Mick Foley is someone who they’ve always admired and who has worked with them before, and they have expressed a great appreciation for wrestlers from the 80s before, so my mind through out all sorts of possibilities, from Jimmy Snuka to Sabu. Then I shake my head, remember what promotion this is, hit play and…

This Is Hollywood Chuck Hogan. But I Think You Already Knew That.

Actually, I feel like a party crasher here. Hollywood Suck Hogan takes off his mask and delivers a passionate and sincere speech about how much JCW has meant to him, and how much he loves and appreciates the juggalos. This is a person who hadn’t even wrestled in JCW for 7 years before this, but these people who never take anything seriously are wiping tears out of their eyes and thanking him for his service. Then Mad Man Pondo comes out and does the same, revealing that after years of being JCW’s top heel, he never got to express how much he loved the fans. As someone who came here to explore a strange and mysterious world, I am completely befuddled. The honesty and generosity of the moment is powerful, and I emerged from it a changed man.

Then, 17 minutes later when they were still all talking about how much they loved each other while the zombie tottered around in the background and they all took turns holding the plaque because the company could only afford one, I changed back. Thank god. All that cheerfulness was making me nauseous.

Segment 7 – THE RUMBLE ROYAL

Cewsh: Ah, the proudest tradition of Bloodymania, the fabled Rumble Royal. It is exactly what it sounds like: a rip off of the royal rumble that has been changed juuuuuust enough to avoid a lawsuit. Let’s take a look at who is in it this year.

Yep, that’s about who I expected to be here. People who used to be in WWE and have no future hope of returning. Why, i’d be shocked if anyone in this match had a prayer of ever making it back to…

WHAT THE FUCK?! Dude, what are you doing here? Did you make a wrong turn on the way to Quebec and find yourself in Iowa, desperate to escape? Did you stumble into the arena while asking directions and become their wrestling slave? Blink twice if you’re here under duress. Blink twice, damn you!

Gowen and Steen start off the match, and Steen wastes no time in going straight for Gowen’s only leg, beating it to a pulp and stopping only to pretend to search for his other leg so he can beat on it as well. At one point, Steen tries to put Gowen in the figure four and spends awhile trying to figure out how that’s supposed to work.

Zach Gowen Is Immune To Fancy Submissions.

It is horrifically mean, and completely awesome on Steen’s part. Then we begin the count down to our next entrant.

10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…

OH MY GOD IT’S BOBBY LASHLEY WHAT IS HAPPENING WHAT IS THIS HOLY COW FUCK WHY

Bobby “The Greatest Wrestler Alive” Lashley runs down to the ring and rescues Zach Gowen from the dastardly clutches of Steen, who is now trying to play catch with the poor guy. Everybody punches on Steen for awhile while I breathe into a paper bag and try to stop hyperventilating at the sight of Lashley in a JCW ring. Then we get our countdown.

10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…

Well, they can’t all be good.

Everyone stalls for awhile as we have clearly entered the, “nobody do anything until important people show up” part of the match.

10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…

Okay, wait. Is the idea here to reunite the entire Smackdown roster from 2007? Though, while I may make fun, it really is great to see Jimmy Yang again after so long. The other wrestlers don’t agree, as they all hit their finishers on Yang, except for Steen who delivers a massive build up to a kick to the gut, to massive laughter from me.

10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…

See, this is the truly odd thing about JCW. On one hand, they represent utter counter-culture, and stand contrary to WWE and all it represents, yet they treat “U-Gene” with the respect and dignity that that gimmick in no way deserves. It’s like the only think about sports entertainment that they do like is the worst gimmicks in WWE history, and are ravenous to have them on their shows next to guys like Necro Butcher and Mad Man Pondo. It’s odd, and while I was ranting about it, U-Gene got eliminated.

U-Gene Has Been Eliminated.

10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…

Yep, Shane Helms is pretty much exactly right for this match right now.

Helms chokeslams everyone, and we get to enjoy the high comedy of Bobby Lashley pretending that he’s not strong enough to throw Zach Gowen over the top rope for 2 minutes.

10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…

And, of course, our final entrant into this most royal of rumbles is the newly minted hall of famer, Hollywood Chuck Hogan, having his first match of any kind in 7 year. Arrayed in front of him are 6 stars of WWE’s past and, in one case, future. Despite the odds, he attacks everyone with the bravery of a true warrior, and is immediately eliminated. Thanks for being you, Chuck.

Hollywood Chuck Hogan Has Been Eliminated.

The ring announcer messes up and announces that Jimmy Yang has been eliminated, so the commentators get a live mic and correct him, only for Yang to be eliminated seconds later.

Jimmy Wang Yang Has Been Eliminated.

Zach Gowen is eliminated next. Are you aware he only has one leg? That really put him at a disadvantage here.

Zach Gowen Has Been Elimiated.

Shane Helms is gone? Sure. I guess Shane Helms is gone.

Shane Helms Has Been Eliminated.

In one of the greatest miscarriages of justice in wrestling history, Matt Cross manages to eliminate Kevin Steen. Enjoy telling your children about that when Steen is inducted in the WWE Hall of Fame, Matt.

Kevin Steen Has Been Eliminated.

I then have to watch Matt Cross kick Bobby Lashley’s ass for 5 minutes, which aside from being so unrealistic that I kept expecting to hear that Cross had poisoned Lashley’s steroids. Cross then bench presses Lashley and eliminates him easily. I don’t even have jokes for this. Matt Cross just beat the entire WWE retirement village in one go and then finished it up with a white boy breakdance. I am, for perhaps the first time, truly speechless.

What A Surprise, He’s Mediocre At That Too.

48 out of 100

Matt Fucking Cross. Are You Goddamn Serious?

Segment 8 – JCW Tag Team Championships – The Ring Rydas (c) vs. Paul London and Brian Kendrick

Cewsh: Remember when Paul London and Brian Kendrick were the two men that we pinned all of our smarky hopes and dreams on? When they were the first heralds of the Ring of Honor generation to reach WWE and make a name for themselves, and it looked like they were really going to be pushed to the moon for a minute there? Do you remember all of the good times?

Or, You Know, The High Times.

Good. Keep remembering them. Do not watch this match, or any other match they have had in the past 5 years. Denial is your friend.

51 out of 100

The Ring Rydas Over London And Kendrick Following I Wasn’t Paying Attention.

Segment 9 – JCW Tag Team War – Kongo Kong and The Boogeyman vs. 2 Tuff Tony and Vampiro

Cewsh: In his secret lab, far below the surface of the Earth, the Watcher views all, sees all, and knows all. He has seen the rise and fall of civilizations, watched war raze the land and sky, and has seen peace and prosperity rule in it’s place. For eons he has watched everything mankind has produced and become, shepherding it on to greater and greater heights for his own mysterious purposes. Never resting and endlessly patient, he awaits the day when humanity will reach it’s zenith, the very pinnacle of accomplishment and evolution, so that he may lay down the mantle of his mighty responsibility and drift peacefully into an eternal slumber.

This probably isn’t going to be that day.

I am at a loss about where to begin here. Is it with Kongo Kong, who looks like a secret experiment at the pudding factory and has his tights hiked up so high that it looks like a spider is crawling out of his ass?

Is it with the Boogeyman, who crawls out to the ring, and then begins dropping worms into the open mouths of fans at ringside?

Is it with 2 Tuff Tony, who is so lacking in any sort of wrestling talent that fans should have to sign a waiver before watching his matches, less they feel the sudden urge to sue everyone involved for their pain and suffering? Or is it with Vampiro, who really just looks like he’s taking a long hard look at the life choices that brought him to this point?

There are times when I will exagerrate things to make a point, or for humorous effect. It just comes with the territory. But please understand that I am being absolutely honest when I say that this match is so bad and dumb that it might make you question your entire interest in wrestling. There is not one single thing in this match that is done at anything but half speed, and at this point, I would have to say that the Boogeyman is the most talented wrestler in this match. If you haven’t seen him since he was in WWE, he’s even worse than he was there, so hopefully i’m painting you a vivid picture of suckitude here.

After a few minutes of lazy punching, they go out into the crowd to do some more lazy punching. This gives them a chance to mingle with the fans and make use of some improvised weapondry that would make Tommy Dreamer proud. Weapons like…

A 1991 Dodge Caravan!

The Riddler’s Cane!

A Bike (And Some Beer)

This Guy’s Beard!

They keep panning back and forth between Kong and Tony fighting in the crowd with props, surrounded by adoring fans, and Vampiro and Boogeyman fighting in slow motion in what looks like an empty arena. Just two old men, sadly waiting their turn to be noticed.

Also, please note that when I say “slow motion”, I don’t mean that they’re just old and slow. They are, but that’s not the point. Vampiro is half assing this match so incredibly hard that he may have invented the art of quarter assing. He’s probably in the best shape of anyone here, and yet approaches every new spot with the grudging attitude that a 14 year old treats having to mow the lawn.

FEEL THE PASSION

Luckily for Vampiro and Tony, they get a break when Vampiro ducks out of the way and Boogeyman accidentally throws worms in Kong’s face. Boogey and Kong naturally begin to brawl, allowing Vampiro to sneak in and slam the big guy, leaving him open for the move we all came here to see. THE TONYSAULT. FOR THE WIN.

FEEL THE ATHLETICISM

After the match, Boogeyman does his signature worm spitting bit on Kong, which enrages Kong so much that he…slightly upsets some stairs.

FEEL THE RAGE

Yeah, Kong. That’ll show ’em. That’ll show ’em good.

Then the Boogeyman is officially inducted into the Juggalo family, and he dances. He dances his way right into your heart.

FEEL THE FUNK

30 out of 100

Everyone Over Kong Following The FABULOUS TONYSAULT.

———————————————–

Cewsh’s Conclusions:

Cewsh: I hate you all.

Cewsh’s Final Score: Boogey Dance Out Of 100