Conspiracy Theories for the Ultra-Rational

You are, in fact, being followed. Not just by one stranger but by hundreds. They watch you at all hours of the day, and there’s nothing you can do to stop them. Not that you would—their likes and comments are far too precious.

Each night, a sinister, energy-depleting force is causing humanity to slip into a hallucinogenic blackout accompanied by nonsensical horrors. Those who avoid succumbing to the blackout are plagued by crankiness.

A conniving, topless mermaid is exploiting this energy-depleting force by hooking us on her invigorating bean water. Despite knowing this fact, we gleefully drink her addictive liquid deception, because without it we are little more than dysfunctional meat sacks.

Hollywood fat cats are getting richer and richer each year by recycling old ideas into redundant film experiences called “sequels.” These fat cats spend millions on slick marketing to brainwash you into believing that these sequels will be anything other than a complete disaster.

The joy of guiltless outdoor strolling has been stolen from us and distributed to a group of élite superhumans who possess something called “downtime.”

Our children are being locked in small, overcrowded rooms for several hours each day, forced to solve complicated word problems of no practical value. They are then released into a world where being good at complicated word problems makes you kind of a dork.

The government is taking a significant portion of every dollar we earn and using it to pay interest on its own loans, to purchase exotic weapons of war, and to employ an unseen army of manual laborers who steal our trash in the predawn hours and transport it to massive, stinking garbage mountains that are hidden from public view.

An enormous, fiery sky-orb of shame humiliates us daily by illuminating our physical flaws. Right when this glowing orb goes away and we start to look good again, the hallucinogenic blackout returns.

Humanity is living inside a simulation known as “The Gram.” Some people are taking advantage of the simulation to propel themselves into positions of social and economic power. They call themselves “influencers” and are worshipped by the masses for their wisdom, humility, and ability to demonstrate the virtues of yoga pants.

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Five hundred years ago, an Italian Pope brainwashed the world by dividing time itself into a series of endlessly repeating blocks wherein we are forced to work, take short, uninspiring “vacations,” and purchase gifts for people we dislike. Those who resist this system are committed to an asylum, or, worse, hectored by their parents to get a real job.

A conglomerate of Swedish billionaires is amassing untold riches by selling cheap, unassembled particleboard to millions of gullible morons who want a nicer home. The unquestioning sheep who buy these wood piles are placated and fattened with “meatballs” sold by the very same cabal of Nordic robber barons.

Humans are being systematically wed to one another based on their looks, verbal abilities, and skill at remembering birthdays, a process that scientists have euphemistically labelled “natural selection.” In recent years, cosmetics companies, fad-diet publishing empires, and the Dr. Phil Corporation have profited immensely from telling us that we can wield some agency in this “natural selection” by improving ourselves. These promises have been complete lies.

Coca-Cola executives don’t actually care about your happiness; they’re just trying to sell Coke.