Healing Crystals and How to Shoplift Them

Rose quartz opens up your heart chakra and can attract new romantic relationships. Try holding this stone up to your chest and taking a deep breath in through your nose as you slide the quartz through a gap between your shirt buttons. Exhale through your mouth as you jam it into your bra. The salesperson is staring at you because the crystal is working, and he is in love.

Jasper has a strong grounding energy. Drop it on the ground. Place one foot firmly over it and notice your strengthened connection to the earth as you shuffle casually to the door.

Lapis lazuli is associated with clarity, self-expression, and honesty. Hold this blue stone in your open palm. Walk up to the salesperson and announce, from your newly unblocked throat chakra, “I am stealing this.” Leave the store at a brisk jog.

Amethyst relieves stress, can help calm your thoughts, and brings wealth—the perfect crystal to shoplift when you have anxiety about shoplifting a crystal! Grab a handful of these and feel them transform your pockets into lumpy little gravity blankets. To activate their wealth-attracting powers, charge them on a gold cloth under the light of a crescent moon, or simply sell them on Etsy.

Tiger’s eye is a powerful stone that stimulates vitality and action-taking. Hurl that bad boy right into the street. Did you roll across the hood of a moving cab to retrieve it? Nice. Now somersault over to the sidewalk and consider taking the action elsewhere, because that cab driver is getting out of his car now and, based on a careful reading of his aura and face, he is mad.

Carnelian is a vibrant orange crystal that inspires leadership. Tap into its effects right away by delegating someone else to steal it for you.

Turquoise can help heal ailments of the immune, respiratory, and skeletal systems. Go ahead and swallow this one. You may notice, within a few seconds, that you are choking. Don’t be alarmed! The turquoise is in your respiratory system now, working its mysterious crystal magic. Stumble outside and indicate to a passerby that you are in the market for a Heimlich maneuver. Remember to act surprised when a piece of turquoise comes shooting out of your airway, in case this Good Samaritan is also a narc.

Obsidian is a shield against negativity. Slip a polished chunk into each ear to block the distinctly toxic vibes of the salesperson, who is very negatively calling the police.

Citrine is a bright yellow stone that activates the imagination and stimulates creativity. Once you’ve got this crystal in your hand, there’s no doubt that inspired shoplifting strategies will be bubbling out of you like water from an indoor meditation fountain. Thank goddess for that because, wow, here are the cops already. Best of luck!

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