Who’s Laughing Now?

They laughed when I farted during my fourth-grade graduation, but, given that human methane is the only natural resource left on the planet, who’s laughing now?

They laughed when I had an imaginary friend in middle school, but, given that the air is toxic, going outside is against the law, and talking to holograms is the only way to maintain mental stability, who’s laughing now?

They laughed when I was caught eating my own boogers at summer camp, but, given that all the crops are dead and boogers have been found to be rich in iron, who’s laughing now?

They laughed when I had buck teeth in high school, but, given that canned goods are the only safe food and the ultra-wealthy have hoarded all the can openers, who’s laughing now?

They laughed when I slept with a stuffed-animal beaver into my twenties, but, given that Franklin is the only remaining evidence of the existence of semi-aquatic rodents, who’s laughing now?

They laughed when I wore business-casual cargo shorts to a job interview, but, given that ninety-five per cent of buildings are filled with knee-high dengue-infested swamp water, who’s laughing now?

They laughed when I insisted that we practice fire-safety protocol at the office Christmas party, but, given that throwing yourself to the ground and aggressively rolling around is the only way to outsmart the ravenous living dead, who’s laughing now?

They laughed when I got an erection during a fund-raising presentation, but, given that the drinking water has made most men impotent and the human race is on the verge of petering out, who’s laughing at my valuable boners now?

They laughed when my fiancée left me for my brother, but, given that married couples were the first to be sent to the ice fires, who’s laughing now?

They laughed when I married a Sears mannequin I found on eBay, but, given that human women are dying of a mutant strain of tetanus, who’s laughing at my beloved Cassandra now?

They laughed when I had a mental breakdown on account of all the laughing, but, given that padded cells are the only insulated spaces left on Earth, who’s laughing now?!

They laughed when I cursed Earth and hastened the apocalypse, but, given that the planet is a barren wasteland and there’s no one left to laugh, who’s laughing now?